Windows LiveWindows Live™
 
 
James's profileDo you believe in love a...PhotosBlogLists Tools Help

Profile

James Byrne

Occupation
Full time golfer
Location
Banchory
Interests
Golf Football Partying
Extremely competitive, play most sports, good sense of humour, always late for everything, hate mornings with a passion.
View profile details

Facts About Me

Muzik

Do you believe in love at first sight? or should I walk past again?

On the other hand, you have different fingers

Blog
April 20

Absolute Corkers

JOKES!
 
CAUTION:  I would strongly urge readers with heart difficulties to stop reading. Unfortunately, I cannot accept any responsibility for lung/heart damage or any minor injuries caused by the hysterical laughter you are about to experience.
 

The new priest was so nervous at his first Mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly". The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the Rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

Dear Father,

  • Next time, sip rather than gulp.
  • There are ten commandments, not twelve.
  • There are twelve disciples, not ten.
  • We do not refer to the Cross as the 'Big T'
  • Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not 'bet his ass'.
  • The recommended grace before meals is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.'
  • We do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as 'JC and the Boys'
  • Moses parted the water at the Red Sea - he did not 'pass water'
  • The Pope is consecrated not 'castrated' and we don't refer to him as 'The Godfather'
  • When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, 'Take this and eat it, for it is my body', he did not say 'Eat me'.
  • David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not 'stoned off his ass'
  • The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as 'Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook'.
  • David slew Goliath, he did not 'Kick the shit out of him'
  • And for goodness sake, she is referred to as The Virgin Mary, not 'Mary with the Cherry' 

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and instantly reach for the door, when they suddenly realise that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "Im sorry but there are no men here. This floor was built simply to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A plane is crashing fatally towards the Pacific Ocean, when a woman stands up to make an announcement.
"If I am going to die on this plane, I want to die like a proper woman! There must be a man on this flight who is able to make me feel like a real woman!"
The panicking passengers are shocked by these desperate words. A few silent moments pass by, when a tall, dark, muscular man in the back corner gets to his feet and begins to make his way to the destressed woman. As the man approaches her he combs back his wavy hair, and slowly begins to undo the buttons on his shirt.
The woman, overwhelmed with excitement, bites her bottom lip in eager anticipation. The man finally reaches the woman and removes the shirt to reveal his rippling muscles. He hands it to the woman, who simply cannot believe her luck.
"Here, iron this for me would you love."
 
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
 
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and lay down on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing."
 
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
 
A rope walks into a bar, climbs up on the seat and asks the Bartender for a drink. "We don't serve ropes like you" the Bartender replied.
The rope leaves and as he's walking out he asks a passer-by to tie him in a knot. The man does so, and as soon as hes finished the rope then asks him to fray his ends. Again, the man agrees and begins to fray his ends.
After thanking the man, the rope then walks back to the bar and says to the Bartender "Get me a drink!".
"But aren't you that little piece of rope that was in here a while ago?" the Bartender asks.
"No... I'm afraid not", the rope replies.
ℓєανє α ¢σммєит

Do not worry, this is not compulsory. ( please see MSN Spaces terms and conditions appendix IV part 3a(iii))

3:53:03 PM | Add a comment | Read comments (4) | Permalink | Blog it | Entertainment
January 13

Champions League

 
 
How long have you been on my space?
 
 

 

Thats how long.

 

 

 

Arsenal 2 - 0 Juventus 

 

So, the long awaited return of the legendary Patrick Viera... What an anti-climax. In an enthralling 90 minutes of highly entertaining football, the 29-year-old former Gunner failed to produce the goods for his side and was played off the Ji-Sung by Arsene Venger's young aspiring teenage prodigy, Francesc Fabregas. A cool finish in the 40th minute followed by an intelligent pass to Henry in the 66th capped off a remarkable night for the youngster who is yet to celebrate his 19th birthday. The result now leaves Arsenal comfortable favourites to progress through to the semi-finals of the tournament and also leaves myself in a fantastic position to be taking 5 goldies off Sir David Colvin who was stupidly adament that Arsenal lacked the quality in depth to overcome the experience of the Old Lady. He may have 5 As to his name, but the boy is most definately not a thinker.

10:39:09 PM | Add a comment | Read comments (11) | Permalink | Blog it | Hobbies
December 24

Well Done.

CONGRATULATIONS!!
 
 
You are visitor number
 
Dell Coupons
 
 The production team here at James Byrne's space are extremely proud of your fantastic achievement. 
 
 
 
4:19:49 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (2) | Permalink | Blog it
September 12

BLOGGAGE

 

The rather unfortunate effects of alcohol
 
 
 
 
 
 
!!тяу тнιѕ!! 
 
 
1. Open a Word document

2. Type in "Q33 NY" - This is the flight number of one of the planes that hit the Twin Towers in 2001

3. Change the font size to 72

4. Change the font to wingdings

 

And this year's computing prize goes to.... Osama Bin Laden.

 
 
∂σит мιи∂ мє, ιм נυѕт ραѕѕιиg тняσυgн...

 

  

01000101100100011100110000101000110110000110001010
11111011101100001000100000001110111111011010000110
01111111111100100001011110101001110010011100011101
00110011001000000011000111010001001001011110111010
10011110100101001111000000001011111101001101010111
00111010000000010111000101100110100101100101100011
01100010101100010000011010000111110100101101010010
111000101101010101100101101100110111101101001000
11100011001010111011101011100101100101110010100001
10001011000111001100010000110101011000100111000011
01100000101011011100111011010101111011010001000100
01111011111011001101000110101011011010111001011110
11010011101100111011011001011101011111001110111111
11100110010001011100110001001010111111111010000010
01010100011110100100100101101110001111101100110101

 

  Aoccdrnig to a rscereach at Cgbaridme uinervtisy, it deson't mtetar waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. Try it in an Eslginh esasy... i dbuot yuor tehcaer wlil ncoite the deiferfcne. 
 
 HIT COUNT

!!Dell Coupons!!

  

Random Facts...
  • It is physically impossible to lick your elbow.
  • Coca Cola is actually green. The manufacturers add dye to it to make it look darker.
  • Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
  • The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is officially the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
  • Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
  • It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
  • Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
  • In York, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow.
  • 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
  • Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
  • On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
  • Elephants cant jump.
  • All polar bears are left handed. (How did they find out, did they go up and ask them??)
  • If you yell for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
  • If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
  • A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. In my next life i wanna be a pig.
  • Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
  • The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
  • The ant can lift 50 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (Oh yeah? From drinking little bottles of what? Who pays for this research??!!)
  • Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
  • The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes!! can you imagine?? And why pigs damnit?)
  • A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. Hmm lovely.
  • The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home!! Wait a sec what the....??!!")
  • Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig though...  quality over quantity.)
  • An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
  • Starfish don't have brains.
  • In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child. (It deserved it too, i mean 30 mins, jesus christ.)
  • 3 in every 4 people will have tried to lick their elbow in the last 60 seconds. OOPS!

Dell Coupons

 

10:03:43 PM | Add a comment | Read comments (7) | Permalink | Blog it
 

Photos
Last Day Of School  
Photo 1 of 23

Quote of the Day
Loading...

WELCOME!